Ten years ago: Keeping the unresolved unresolved

In the episode of the "The X-Files" set on New Year's Eve 1999, Scully and Mulder briefly kiss while watching ball drop on Times Square on the TV in the visitor's room of a psych ward, proof positive that unresolved sexual tension is immeasurably more fun for viewers than the alternative. (Hard to believe it was that long ago.)

Best line of episode: "The world didn't end." Mulder's post-kiss double entendre meant that the arrival of the millennium wasn't going to trigger the apocalypse, and that one chaste-if-lingering kiss wasn't going to resolve the unresolved sexual tension the series had carefully built up over five seasons. In the scene, Scully smiles enigmatically and replies, "No, it didn't."

Second best line, Mulder to Scully, when she points out that the millennium doesn't end until 12/31/2000: "Nobody likes a math nerd, Scully."

Clear-eyed X-philes admit that this was the last good season of the series, in part because in the remaining two seasons series creator Chris Carter threw out the window the three-part prime directive: Scully wasn't going to have an affair with Mulder; Scully wasn't going to have an affair with Skinner; Mulder wasn't going to have an affair with Skinner.

(H/t to Doctor TV for the date correction.)

Stages of snow (Apologies to Kubler-Ross)

1. Puzzlement

2. Childlike delight

3. Uploading cell phone pictures to Facebook

4. Racing to grocery store for supplies

5. Wrecked cars and broken hips

The LO/KPOJ "Lost Limerick Challenge"

This morning's Oregon news limerick, as written by me, read by quizmaster TJ of Loaded Orygun, and answered by Carl, Christine, and Paul, on the KPOJ 620AM's Carl + Christine show, are posted at LO.

As is so often the case, there was a left-over limerick, re-heated here for your puzzle-solving pleasure. Fill in the blank with the word or phrase from this week's Oregon news:

What began as an idiot-thief case,
Might end up as a coming-to-grief case.
Yes, although he's no ogre,
Bet they pissed off John Kroger
When they ripped off the state AG's ________________.

(The answer can be found in the Comments below, or in this week's Spanning the State at Loaded Orygun.)

Sunday morning toons: Special "I Sense Skepticism" edition

Yes, skepticism was in the air this week as a recession-battered America looked back at the year just past, looked around at the health care reform process still underway, and looked ahead to the arrival of Santa Claus--and on the whole found the Santa bit the least difficult notion to swallow.

Let's kick off with Daryl Cagle's toon round-up for the week.

p3 Picks of the Week: Mike Luckovich, Nate Beeler, Larry Wright, Jeff Parker, John Trever, Jimmy Margulies, Steve Sack, Scott Stantis, Ed Stein, and Monte Wolverton.

p3 Best of Show: Vic Harville.

p3 Legion of Merit Award: John Darkow.

p3 Plain Speaking Citation: Eric Allie.

p3 Award for Best Adaptation from Another Medium (tie): R. J. Matson and John Cole.

p3 World Toon Review: Stephane Peray (Thailand), Laz (Cuba), Peter Lewis, (Australia), Christo Komarnitski (Bulgaria), and Michael Kountouris (Greece).


For those of you over a certain age, Ann Telnaes revisits a Simon and Garfunkle classic, For those of you under a certain age, she considers the value of peace on earth.


Courtesy of Mark Fiore Dogboy and Mr. Dan learn the true meaning of Christmas.


p3 Harmonic Toon Convergence Moment: Tom Tomorrow and Tom the Dancing Bug each take a whack at the "right-wing junior sleuth" meme. (Even their first names are the same! This is starting to weird me out.)


Portland homeboy Jack Ohman reminds us of the one mistake for which Al Gore has yet to atone,


That's not just the "prancing and pawing of little hooves" you hear up there on the roof: With a premise that's unlikely to become a holiday film by Tom Hanks, Jim Carrey, or Tim Allen anytime soon, Non Sequitur notes that Christmas is a team effort.


Doonesbury is getting its licks in on ODS (Obama Disappointment Syndrome) this week, but I'm really including this strip because the ultra-insider punch line reminds me of a former line of work.


Well, it's not "The Aristocrats," that's for sure: We round out our skepticism-themed edition of Sunday toons with this obscure item from 1949, directed by Fritz Freleng and starring Porky Pig (in a rare outing without Daffy or Sylvester as a sidekick) as a talent agent. Hollywood gags from the era abound, including pokes at Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, and Al Jolsen--plus voice actor Mel Blanc having a bit of fun with his own reputation as "the man of a thousand voices."

For reasons that will become clear, this toon was almost never shown on television. (Got your attention now?)


No p3 Bonus Toon this week; Jesse Springer is still on hiatus. I think.


And, as always, remember to bookmark Slate's political cartoon for the day.


The p3 Sunday morning toons will return next year.

Saturday tunes: Heaven on earth with an onion slice

Yesterday was Jimmy Buffett's 63rd birthday. Gives me hope.

Unto us a parrothead is born; unto us a sailor is given.

(h/t to tab)

Christmas morning, 1962

As I look at this photo this morning, I don't think about how little I miss Midwestern winters. I don't think about those teeth crying out for orthodontia. I don't want to warn him off the red-and-white handlebar streamers (he'll figure that out himself, soon enough.)

I don't even think about that Charlie Brown winter hat.

No, I look across the years at that kid, standing proudly with his new Schwinn, and I want to cry out, "Are you insane? Don't try to ride your bike when the road has a layer of packed snow on it!"

But I might as well try telling him he'd shoot his eye out with that BB gun.

Readings: Pierce: A Christmas Carol in which the three ghosts are waste, fraud, and abuse

At Altercation yesterday, Charles Pierce shared a holiday tale for everyone counting heavily on any problems with the now-likely-to-be-passed health care bill getting fixed "later." His rationale:

I post it again to make the following point--just because an entitlement exists, and because it is largely doing what it is supposed to do, it is not immune from the uniquely lethal modern combination of idiot politics and bad journalism.

He links to an Esquire piece he wrote in the final days of another Democratic administration. Unlike the current administration, saddled with a huge deficit that has magically produced a unending stream of deficit hawks like doves from a magician's top hat, that earlier Democratic administration left office with a record federal surplus.

Didn't help much in the story Pierce tells. In fact, if anything, the headlong pursuit of that surplus made the story worse.

Like "A Christmas Carol," Pierce's April 2000 story begins with a warning:

"[A]s the Scripture warns, the poor--or, more accurately, the impoverished--will be with us always, but who they are and what they represent changes with every generation. They are a burden and then an obligation, and then a burden and an obligation again. A Square Deal follows a Gilded Age, a Depression follows the Roaring Twenties, and a New Deal follows that. Clintonism follows Reaganism."

The story also has its Tiny Tim character, but although several people labor heroically on his behalf no reformed Ebenezer is on hand this time to be as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world.

Unfortunately, not only will the poor always be with us, it appears the same can be said for resentful small-town bureaucrats, lazy celebrity journalists, and opportunistic politicians. Always remember that, as supporters contemplate improving this winter's health care bill "down the road."

Just sayin'.

Pierce's 2000 article is going on the Readings list in the sidebar.

The unforgiving minute

This morning's L.A. Times:

Schwarzenegger to seek federal help for California budget

Reporting from Sacramento - Facing a budget deficit of more than $20 billion, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is expected to call for deep reductions in already suffering local mass transit programs, renew his push to expand oil drilling off the Santa Barbara coast and appeal to Washington for billions of dollars in federal help, according to state officials and lobbyists familiar with the plan.

If Washington does not provide roughly $8 billion in new aid for the state, the governor threatens to severely cut back -- if not eliminate -- CalWORKS, the state's main welfare program; the In-Home Health Care Services program for the disabled and elderly poor, and two tax breaks for large corporations recently approved by the Legislature, the officials said.

Good thing all those anti-tax/small-government types were too smart to let that former governor raise vehicle registration fees in 2003, or they'd be in a hell of a mess right now.

Minute's up.

In case you were wondering about whether "the news" has anything to do with the news anymore

Short answer: No.

Somewhat longer answer (from this morning's Media Bistro news feed):

ABC's World News With Diane Sawyer Debuts (TVNewser) Diane Sawyer made her debut as the anchor of ABC's World News yesterday evening. Sawyer has filled-in on the newscast in the past, but this was her first night with her name in the program's title. The program had a new appearance -- with its first new graphics look in five years -- and a new announcer. AP: ABC plans to make use of Sawyer's conversational style, which was on display during on-air Q-and-A's with Jonathan Karl and George Stephanopoulos on health care reform. NYT: There were no high-tech frills or showy experiments in Diane Sawyer's brisk first night as anchor. Instead the network draped its star in utter seriousness, writes Alessandra Stanley. WaPo: Opening-night jitters and the obsession with keeping Sawyer front, center and everywhere else tended to hobble and mute the first edition, writes Tom Shales. Daily Beast: Rebecca Dana on how Diane Sawyer's lunar cool plays against Katie Couric's sunny warmth.

So let's review the important issues: the program's title, new graphics, a new announcer, Sawyer's conversational style, the presence or absence of high-tech frills and showy experiments, Sawyer's briskness and utter seriousness, and her lunar cool.

(Also, apparently there was some discussion of health care reform with the new host of a morning talk show.)

The LO/KPOJ "Lost Limerick Challenge"

This morning's Oregon news limerick, as written by me, read by quizmaster TJ of Loaded Orygun, and answered by Carl, Christine, and Michael (subbing for Paul), on the KPOJ 620AM's Carl + Christine show, are posted at LO.

This week's Lost Limerick is kind of a buzzkill, but I'm counting on you to tough it out, for art's sake. Fill in the blank with the word or phrase from this week's Oregon news:

No one's hiring for clerking or booking,
Gas pumping or short-order cooking,
Jobless numbers are flat,
But the cause might be that
More job seekers are no longer __________ .

(The answer can be found in the Comments below, or in this week's Spanning the State at Loaded Orygun.)

What a difference two seconds makes

Quick! Look at your watch. You've got less than a minute.

Wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Yes!

The winter solstice occurred at 9:47am PT today, marking the point where my days start getting longer again. (Run your finger down the "Difference" column to see.)

Right now it's only two more seconds of daylight per day--but I can feel those extra two seconds. I know they're there. Tomorrow it'll be seven seconds. The next day 12 seconds.

Where I live, sunlight will return at a gradually accelerating rate until mid-March when we'll crest at around 3 min 13 sec/day. After that the days will continue getting longer, but at a gradually slowing rate until it all balances on the razor's edge again next June 21st, at which point . . .

Well, we won't go into that now. Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

Sun, sun, sun, here we come.

We get Christmas cards

Well, this was nice of the Obamas.

So much better than those braggy and competitive "here's what our family did this year" form newsletters they used to enclose with their Christmas cards. (Last year: "We're all so excited to share this news: Barry was has a new job starting next month! So we're busy packing and looking for new schools for the girls.")

Sunday morning toons: Special "Health care reform end-game" edition

(Updated below.)

Afghanistan? Copenhagen? Stockholm? So last week, dahlinks! This week, the health care reform end-game is the new black. Let's start with Daryl Cagle's toon round-up:

p3 Picks of the Week: Mike Luckovich, R. J. Matson, Larry Wright, Bob Englehart, John Trever, Jimmy Margulies, Michael Ramirez, Jerry Holbert, Henry Payne, Bill Day, and Monte Wolverton.

p3 Best of Show: John Darkow.

p3 Award for Best Adaptation from Another Medium (tie): Pat Bagley and Eric Allie.

p3 "You Can't Beat Home Sweet Home" Award: Steve Breen.

p3 Croix de Guerre/Croix de la Paix Medal: Ed Stein.

p3 World Toon Review: Stephane Peray (Thailand), Martyn Turner (Ireland), Werner Wejp-Olsen (Denmark), Jiho (France). and Jainping Fan (China).


Ann Telnaes brings a carol for the holidays (be sure to stick around for the ending).


Science stupid! Science lies! Back after an extended absence from the p3 Sunday Morning Toons, Mark Fiore exposes the shocking 400-year history of fake science.


And it only took 22 years: In 1987, televangelist Oral Roberts sealed himself in the prayer tower at Oral Roberts University, claiming that God would "call him home" unless supporters contributed $8 million to support one of his debt-ridden projects. After some finagling, involving a divine deadline extension and $1.3 million from a dog track owner, he hit his fundraising mark and left the tower. This week, Steve Benson captured the moment when the Almighty figured He called in his marker.


Oh, the futility! Ever consider the down-side of all this "green" nonsense? Joel Pett sure has. (H/t Carla)


Update: Once again, Barry Blitt quietly upstages Frank Rich's Sunday essay on defining greatness downward. (If I would simply read the Sunday NYTimes on Saturday when it comes out online, I suppose I wouldn't have to keep including Blitt as an update.)


RIP Roy E. Disney: Nephew of Walt Disney, Roy rescued Disney's animation division from the abyss of "The Aristocats" and "Robin Hood" by championing such blockbusters as “The Little Mermaid,” “Beauty and the Beast” and “The Lion King.”

Mr. Disney was a big fan of referring to the past to define the future. He told a biographer: “The goal is to look over our shoulder and see Snow White and Pinocchio and Dumbo standing there saying, ‘Be this good.’ We shouldn’t be intimidated by them; they’re an arrow pointing someplace.”

He died this week at 87. Roy, this one's for you.

No p3 Bonus Toon this week: It's Jesse Springer's December hiatus.


But meanwhile, that leaves extra time to bookmark Slate's political cartoon for the day.

Colbert explains, as only he can, two of the most damaging Supreme Court decisions in US history

I'm little late in getting to this, but as Susie Madrak at Crooks and Liars reminded us this morning, the question of corporate personhood is, alas, not going anywhere.

Saturday morning tunes: Should "eight crazy nights" be enough?

For reasons that are unclear but nevertheless cause to be grateful this holiday season, we don't seem to have heard much from cultural conservatives bewailing the "War on Christmas." (Perhaps this is why.)

But the media abhors a vacuum, which is perhaps why so many people are using up elite column inches this month on the evergreen question: Why is it that Jews have gotten to write so many of the cool Christmas songs?

Garrison Keillor, who otherwise has made a good living out of being professionally affable, kicked things off this week in a Salon piece that gradually worked its way up to this moment:

Did one of our guys write "Grab your loafers, come along if you wanna, and we'll blow that shofar for Rosh Hashanah"? No, we didn't.

Christmas is a Christian holiday -- if you're not in the club, then buzz off.

"Not in the club?" That could have been a little more subtle. Pastor Inqvist and Father Emil would most likely be shocked by such an outburst, although, in the name of ecumenical even-handedness, Keillor hauled those wily Unitarians before the dock, too. (If you suspect that Keillor is becoming noticeably less affable as he approaches his three score and ten, you're not alone.)

And Michael Feinstein got into the act this week as well, demonstrating that "an earnest New York Times piece that probably didn't need to be written" is a criterion that, in this post-Krystol age, doesn't narrow the field down as much as it used to.

Still, unlike Keillor, who might or might not have been kidding, Feinstein was sincere in his pursuit of the question.

The answer, of course, is simple. It's the same reason Willie Sutton wrote songs about robbing banks: That's where the money is. When Hanukah becomes as hypercommercialized as Christmas, there'll be more people writing songs like this one (and, ironically, less need for it):

(This marks the first, and quite possibly the last, appearance by Adam Sandler at Saturday Morning Tunes.)

And speaking of music of the sort Mr. Keillor laments (although this has even less to do with Christmas than most songs now associated with the holiday), here's one of my favorite scenes from that bête noir of the "Christmas for Christians" set, Irving Berlin:

I'm not sure which is more weirdly memorable in this number: The beautiful Vera-Ellen, who resembles nothing so much as Barbie with the physical conditioning of an Olympic track medalist, or Danny Kaye's suit with matching socks and suede shoes.

(And, for the record, Danny Kaye--né David Daniel Kaminsky--is entitled to his own verse in Sandler's song.)

The unforgiving minute

One of the things that makes American political discourse almost unworkable today--but nevertheless makes it a great spectator sport if you're so inclined--is contemporary conservatism's complete inability to accommodate irony. Crude sarcasm, yes. But irony--alas, no.

Here's William Bennett on the climate change conference:

It's amazing, you know -- the power of ideology to blind people to reality.

And he says this in the context of claiming that the entire global warming thing is a Marxist plot.

Breathtakingly unself-aware.

Minute's up.

The unforgiving minute

This just in: Researchers establish that the ill-fated 1910 Scott Antarctic expedition was composed entirely of unmarried men:

Two blocks of butter have been found intact after nearly a century in an Antarctic hut used by British explorer Robert Falcon Scott on his doomed 1910-12 expedition, a report said.

Television New Zealand reported that conservators found the two blocks of New Zealand butter in bags in stables attached to the expedition Hut at Cape Evans in Antarctica.

Many experts point to the century-old butter as conclusive evidence that all members of the Scott expedition were single guys, while others insist that the definitive proof is the nearby presence of over 70 half-finished jars and bottles of condiments, including 22 bottles of ketchup, 17 jars of mustard (6 yellow, 9 spicy, 2 unidentifiable), 5 bottles of Tabasco sauce, and 11 varieties of barbecue sauce.

Minute's up.

Republicans and the Internet: A match made in Sheboygan.

The misalliance hasn't gotten better after Ted Stevens explained a couple of years ago that the Internet was "a series of tubes."

Exhibit #1::

This week, the RNC unveiled a new link-shortening tool -- called GOP.am -- that also caused some trouble for the party. (thanks to reader H.H. for the tip)

Possibly the first branded URL shortener, GOP.am was designed by the RNC's new media consultants, Political Media, to work somewhat like bit.ly, in that it shortens URLs so that they can be more easily exchanged through short messaging services like Twitter. Google launched its own URL shortener Monday afternoon, and Facebook now has one, too.

But unlike bit.ly, GOP.am includes a toolbar at the top of the screen that follows users as they click through to see whatever pages the links go to. It also sports an animation of RNC chairman Michael Steele walking around on the lower right as if he's showing off the website -- particularly awkward when that website is the alt.com bondage site.

Yes, it wasn't long after the Republican National Committee launched its link-shortening tool before the fairly obvious misuse of the tool became common. As Wired noted, "Pranksters almost immediately began using the service to link to controversial or ironically intended websites, such as the official site of the American Communist Party, a bondage website and a webpage advertising a sex toy in the likeness of Barack Obama.

Exhibit 2:

The executive director of the Arizona GOP used a Republican voter database to stalk a female grad student, the woman has alleged in a criminal complaint.

The complaint, filed last month with the local sheriff's office and reported by the Huffington Post, alleges that Brett Mecum "is using Voter Vault to stalk." That's the sophisticated voter-targeting program that the GOP uses to turn its supporters out to the polls.

The woman charges that on August 29, she was having a party at home to celebrate her acceptance into an East Coast graduate school, when Mecum showed up uninvited. According to the affidavit, which HuffPo has posted:

I did not invite Brett Mecum. He is rather creepy and intimidating around women. I did not want to expose my guests to that kind of individual. I was shocked to see him show up at my party. He had never been to my house, and I had never told him where I lived. I asked him how he found my address, and he responded "I looked it up on Voter Vault, I called a staffer to look it up for me there."

The woman, whose name was redacted from the complaint, said she felt threatened, and appeared to charge that other women have similarly been stalked. [. . . ]

Mecum told an Arizona political site: "This is completely bogus. At the end of the day, I will be exonerated in all of this. This happens a lot in politics, unfortunately. When you have a high-profile job like mine, you sometimes make some enemies."

And RNC Treasurer Randy Pullen, who is also the chair of the state party, seemed to dismiss the issue in a statement:

He used Voter Vault. The Republican National Committee owns Voter Vault....It's a private list. We own the list. We can do what we want with the list, quite frankly.

But it's a felony to use a voter registration database for anything other than official purposes, according to HuffPo. And of course, there are laws against stalking and harassment.

(H/t to Doctor Beyond, and apologies to the fine people of the city of Sheboygan WI.)

The LO/KPOJ "Lost Limerick Challenge"

This morning's Oregon news limerick, as written by me, read by quizmaster TJ of Loaded Orygun, and answered by guest host Thom Hartmann, plus Christine and Paul, on the KPOJ 620AM's Carl + Christine show, are posted at LO.

Thom's smart as hell, with a driving curiosity and an encyclopedic political memory . . . but he's not really what you'd call a limerick kind of guy. As a result, we have three extra limericks queued up for p3 readers this morning. Fill in the blank with the word or phrase from this week's Oregon news:

Telling fibs about taxes? We've caught 'em!
Really wasn't that tricky to spot 'em.
Despite Freedomworks' smears,
The numbers are clear:
Corporate rates will still be near ____________ .


After seeking high office in vain,
He's content to watch Oregon's pain,
Does the stimulus work?
It's all pork to this jerk!
Who's this maverick Grinch? ____________ .


Science geeks will have all hands on deck!
Spielberg fans will start lining up next!
From the period Jurassic
It's bound to be classic
OMSI soon will be host to ______________.

(The answers can be found in the Comments below, or in this week's Spanning the State at Loaded Orygun.)

This is why I sometimes like to compare the Internet to the world's largest ant farm

Created by Online Education:

Sunday morning toons: Special "Stocking Stuffers" edition

Political toonists did, technically, focus on topics other than Afghanistan, Copenhagen, and Tiger Woods this week. But not much.

Let's start with Daryl Cagle's toon round-up this week.

p3 Picks of the Week: Mike Luckovich, Pat Bagley, R. J. Matson, Mike Keefe, Larry Wright, John Trevor, David Fitzsimmons, Jerry Holbert, Henry Payne, Ed Stein, and Monte Wolverton,

p3 Best of Show: Adam Zyglis.

p3 Family Values Award: Cal Grondahl.

p3 World Toon Review: Stephane Peray (Thailand), Alexander Zudin (Russia), Paul Zanetti, (Australia), Michael Kountouris (Greece), Christo Komarnitski (Bulgaria), and Cameron Cardow (Canada).


Ann Telnaes wonders: If they're all such decent, upright people, why are they so preoccupied with what goes on, you know . . . there?


Last-minute stocking stuffers: Still looking for the perfect holiday gift for that toonophile in your life? Here are some suggestions to get you started (others nominations welcome):

The Best of Punch Cartoons: 2,000 Humor Classics

The San Francisco Panorama (McSweeney's Issue #33)

The NYTimes books section several comic and graphic novel titles in time for the season.

And don't forget these fine products by artists we're happy to feature here at p3's Sunday toon review:

Thrilling Tom the Dancing Bug Stories, by Ruben Bolling

The Complete K Chronicles, by Keith Knight

The Very Silly Mayor, by Tom Tomorrow

Right to Dye, by Jesse Springer

The Best Political Cartoons of the Year, 2009 Edition, edited by Daryl Cagle and Brian Fairrington

Portland homeboy Jack Ohman asks a question that's needed asking since early in the Clinton years.


"Buggler problems:" "'Fraidy Cat," a 1942 theatrical short directed for MGM by Hanna and Barbera, was the fourth match-up of Tom and Jerry. I've mentioned more than once the beautiful, deep colors and backgrounds in some of the early T&J's; the rich shadowy scenes at the beginning of "'Fraidy Cat" are perfect for a toon about ghost stories. And don't miss the beautiful chrysanthemums in the vase at the 2-minute mark. The appearance near the end of the Mammy Two-Shoes character was laundered out in a variety of ways once the Tom and Jerry library made it to American television in the 1960s. (The version below is from Boomerang, the UK/Ireland/Europe version of The Cartoon Network.) Changes ranged from recording an improbable (but acceptably Caucasian) Irish-accented voice to replace Lillian Randolph's original voice characterization, to eventually replacing the Mammy footage altogether with a young white woman (still shown only from the neck down). Ironically, Lillian Randolph was one of the few African-American women who actually had work in the Hollywood film industry at the time.

p3 Bonus Toon: Jesse Springer will return.


And remember to bookmark Slate's political cartoon for the day.

"He decided right then and there to go crazy"

Christopher Buckley, still living comfortably in right-wing exile, remembers that today is the 10th anniversary of the death of author Joseph Heller.

With a mixture of amusement and sadness, Buckley wonders aloud what Heller--author of Catch-22 and a writer whose image surely would be on the Mt. Rushmore of American political satire, if America felt that good about itself--might have made of America in the 21st Century, including such moments as "Saddam Hussein’s hanging, available on cellphone and YouTube" and "Dick Cheney shooting his lawyer."

And, of course, this utterly Heller-worthy moment: "President Obama’s accepting the Nobel Peace Prize shortly after ordering 30,000 more Americans to war."

It's enough to make a person crazy:

"Doc Daneeka's afraid. That's what's the matter with him."

"What's he afraid of?"

"He's afraid of you," Yossarian said. "He's afraid you're going to die of pneumonia."

"He'd better be afraid," Chief White Halfoat said. A deep, low laugh tumbled through his massive chest. "I will, too, the first chance I get. You just wait and see."

Chief White Halfoat was a handsome, swarthy Indian from Oklahoma with a heavy, hard-boned face and tousled black hair, a half-blooded Creek from Enid who, for occult reasons of his own, had made up his mind to die of pneumonia. He was a glowering, vengeful, disillusioned Indian who hated foreigners with names like Cathcart, Korn, Black and Havermeyer and wished they'd all go back to where their lousy ancestors had come from.

"You wouldn't believe it, Yossarian," he ruminated, raising his voice deliberately to bait Doc Daneeka, "but this used to be a pretty good country to live in before they loused it up with their goddamn piety."

Chief White Halfoat was out to revenge himself upon the white man. He could barely read or write and had been assigned to Captain Black as assistant intelligence officer.

"How could I learn to read or write?" Chief White Halfoat demanded with simulated belligerence, raising his voice again so that Doc Daneeka would hear. "Every place we pitched our tent, they sank an oil well. Every time they sank a well, they hit oil. And every time they hit oil, they made us pack up our tent and go someplace else. We were human divining rods. Our whole family had a natural affinity for petroleum deposits, and soon every oil company in the world had technicians chasing us around. We were always on the move. It was one hell of a way to bring a child up, I can tell you. I don't think I ever spent more than a week in one place."

His earliest memory was of a geologist.

"Every time another White Halfoat was born," he continued, "the stock market turned bullish. Soon whole drilling crews were following us around with all their equipment just to get the jump on each other. Companies began to merge just so they could cut down on the number of people they had to assign to us. But the crowd in back of us kept growing. We never got a good night's sleep. When we stopped, they stopped. When we moved, they moved, chuckwagons, bulldozers, derricks, generators. We were a walking business boom, and we began to receive invitations from some of the best hotels just for the amount of business we would drag into town with us. Some of those invitations were mighty generous, but we couldn't accept any because we were Indians and all the best hotels that were inviting us wouldn't accept Indians as gusts. Racial prejudice is a terrible thing, Yossarian. It really is. It's a terrible thing to treat a decent, loyal Indian like a nigger, kike, wop, or spic." Chief White Halfoat nodded slowly with conviction.

"Then, Yossarian, it finally happened - the beginning of the end. They began to follow us around from in front. They would try to guess where we were going to stop next and would begin drilling before we even got there, so we couldn't even stop. As soon as we'd begin to unroll our blankets, they would kick us off. They had confidence in us. They wouldn't even wait to strike oil before they kicked us off. We were so tired we almost didn't care the day our time ran out. One morning we found ourselves completely surrounded by oilmen waiting for us to come their way so they could kick us off. Everywhere you looked there was an oilman on a ridge, waiting there like Indians getting ready to attack. It was the end. We couldn't stay where we were because we had just been kicked off. And there was no place left for us to go. Only the Army saved me. Luckily, the war broke out just in the nick of time, and a draft board picked me right up out of the middle and put me down safely in Lowery Field, Colorado. I was the only survivor."

Yossarian knew he was lying, but did not interrupt as Chief White Halfoat went on to claim that he had never heard from his parents again. That didn't bother him too much, though, for he had only their word for it that they were his parents, and since they had lied to him about so many other things, they could just as well have been lying to him about that too. He was much better acquainted with the fate of a tribe of first cousins who had wandered away north in a diversionary movement and pushed inadvertently into Canada. When they tried to return, they were stopped at the border by American immigration authorities who would not let them back into the country. They could not come back in because they were red.

It was a horrible joke, but Doc Daneeka didn't laugh until Yossarian came to him one mission later and pleaded again, without any real expectation of success, to be grounded. Doc Daneeka snickered once and was soon immersed in problems of his own, which included Chief White Halfoat, who had been challenging him all that morning to Indian wrestle, and Yossarian, who decided right then and there to go crazy.

(More Heller here.)

Saturday Tunes: When doing a Christmas album becomes a rock star's next career move

A week or two ago, the Muppets' performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" went megaviral. How to follow that up?

By dipping into the Great American Songbook of Christmas Standards, of course:

Bonus: The definitive "Fading Rock Star Salvaging the Remains of His Career with a Christmas Song" song

The 2003 film "Love, Actually" is the reductio ad absurdum--the turning of the amp to 11, if you will--of the niche film genre Episodic British Ensemble Romantic Comedy that was launched by "Four Weddings and a Funeral." It's so jammed with good actors doing pleasant bits you overlook what a mug of froth it all is. One of my favorite plot arcs features the insufficiently treasured Bill Nighy as the Rod Stewart-esque burn-out case Billy Mack, hoping to keep the party train running a little longer by releasing a Christmas song. In his heart he knows that this is the last career stop before the infomercial, but right now he doesn't care. He's back.

Alas, the owner of the rights to the video has allowed it to stay on YouTube but blocked it from being embedded (never understood the logic of doing that, but it's their call), so you'll have to follow this link.

"Hrum, doo-di-doo!" to you and yours.

Physics 101: A brief review before the front moves in

Here's the situation:

Forecasters have been talking about it all week, and now it appears that a wintry mix of precipitation -- either freezing rain, snow or sleet, or perhaps all three -- will start moving up the Willamette Valley late Friday afternoon.

"We are keeping a close eye on this system and it appears there is a pretty good shot of getting this wintry mix," said Shawn Weagle, a forecaster for the National Weather Service in Portland. "Predicting any kind of frozen precipitation for this area is a huge challenge."

Weagle said an approaching weather system aimed mostly at California will throw off a spoke of energy that will rotate up from the south, striking Eugene first, and then steadily moving north through Salem and into the Portland metropolitan area, probably around 10 p.m. Up to 1 inch of snow or sleet could accumulate, forecasters said.

A winter storm watch issued Thursday will remain in effect for most of northwest Oregon and southwest Washington through Friday night.

Now, a quick refresher on Newton's Three Laws of Motion, for those of you who slept through high school physics the first time around:

1. Objects in uniform motion tend to stay in motion until acted upon by another force.

2. The greater the mass of an object, the greater the force required to move it a given distance.

3. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Neglecting the coefficient of friction for ice and assuming all vehicles are traveling at uniform speeds the same direction, here's what this means for local drivers between now and Saturday evening:

1. An SUV equipped with huge tires, 4-wheel drive, and Bluetooth, tailgating a second vehicle on a level, ice-covered street, whose driver attempts to brake within the same stopping distance as if it were a warm day in August, will rear-end the second vehicle at the 4-way stop at the end of the block.

2. The SUV will push the second vehicle farther into the intersection than a Cooper Mini would, because the SUV has greater mass. (Note that its greater mass does not improve the SUV's stopping distance on ice. It simply means that it will hit the other vehicle that much harder when the collision happens.)

3. When the second vehicle slides through the intersection and sideswipes a parked vehicle, the two vehicles will push each other in opposite directions, the parked vehicle bouncing off the curb (and into the middle of the street) while the second vehicle skids into yet another parked vehicle on the opposite side of the street.

So much for the theory. Now let's see what it looks like in practice (note that the station ID says KING 5 in Seattle, but the footage was taken in the Goose Hollow neighborhood in Portland):

As I look out my south-facing window, the sun is still out and the sky is mostly clear, but I've already made my grocery run and don't plan on going out again, unless it's on foot, for a couple of days. For the rest of you, consider the next 24 hours to be an open-book test.

Pencils ready? Begin.

He wouldn't be talking about it as a possibility if it weren't already an actuality

Via emptywheel comes comes this astute take on a remark by Google CEO Eric Schmidt about Internet search engine records (including Google's):

we are all subject in the United States to the Patriot Act and it is possible that all that information could be made available to the authorities

This is the CEO of Google–a company that, four years ago, fought to avoid letting Alberto Gonzales get its searches in the name of preventing pornography–telling you that everything you do on Google “could be made available” to the authorities. Which I presume means it is being made available…

Yup. Sounds right to me.

Going to hell in a handbasket, Part 2

About a year and a half ago, I worked up a brief history of the tendency by cultural guardians to predict that the newest communication medium--whatever it might be this time, comic books, television, or Google--is the one that will finally rot our brains for good, leaving us as a species no better off than if we'd never come down from the trees in the first place.

Time to update that list:

FACEBOOK makes you sharper but Twitter makes you thicker, a psychologist has said.

The social networking site boosts a part of intelligence that is vital to success in life, while tweeting away may have the opposite effect.

Keeping up to date with Facebook may have the same effect as playing video war games and solving Sudoku, said Dr Tracy Alloway of Scotland's University of Stirling.

It hones the ability to remember information and to use it, known as "working memory".

At a job interview, a candidate will use working memory to match answers to questions in the best way.

Dr Alloway has studied working memory and believes it to be far more important to success and happiness than IQ. […]

Sudoku also stretched the working memory, as did keeping up with friends on Facebook, she said.

But text messaging, micro-blogging on Twitter and watching YouTube were likely to weaken "working memory".

"On Twitter you receive an endless stream of information, but it's also very succinct," Dr Alloway said.

"You don't have to process that information. Your attention span is being reduced and you're not engaging your brain and improving nerve connections."

Portland, Portland Metro-West, and Vancouver Drinking Liberally meet this week

Here are the regular schedules for the DL chapters in the area, although you might want to check to see if they're having any special events or schedule changes for the holidays. (Click on their link to join their email list. To find the DL chapter near you--there are over 300 hundred of them--go here.)

Vancouver: Next meeting: Tuesday, December 8th.
Meetings: Second and fourth Tuesdays, 7pm, at the Back Alley Bar and Grill, 6503 E. Mill Plain Blvd. (West of Andresen, in a strip mall 1/2 block west of Safeway on the south side of Mill Plain. It's deep in the lot.)

Portland Metro-West: Next meeting: Wednesday, December 9th.
Meetings: Second Wednesday of every month, 7:00pm at Ringo's, 12300 SW Broadway St, (just east of Hall Blvd).

: St. Helens Next meeting: Wednesday, December 9th.
Meetings: Second Wednesday of each month, 6:30 pm.

Corvallis: Next meeting: Wednesday, December 9th.
Meetings: Second Wednesday of each Month, 5pm - 7pm at Squirrels, 100 SW 2nd St.

Portland: Next meeting: Thursday, December 10th.
Meetings: Second and fourth Thursdays of the month, at the Lucky Lab Brew Hall at 19th and NW Quimby, Thursday at 7pm.

Salem: Next meeting: Thursday, December 17th.
Meetings: Third Thursday of each month, 7:00 pm, at Browns Towne Lounge, 189 Liberty St NE # 112 (Old Sportstop next to Read Opera House)

And if you appreciate Living Liberally promoting progressive action through social interaction--including keeping the whole Drinking Liberally network up and running--consider sending them a little love via Tipping Liberally. Or check with your chapter host about making a Holiday Fund Drive donation or pledge.

So wherever you are, join the Drinking Liberally gang for drinks and political conversation.

And remember: DL encourages everyone to drink, and vote, responsibly.

(Cross-posted at Loaded Orygun.)

Walrus

Opening sentences: Conservative prose of the future

[Updated below.]


Item 1:

Steve at No More Mister Nice Blog meditates on an ugly, ugly possibility: Jonah "Doughy Pantload" Goldberg, legacy conservative blogger and author of the incoherent-from-the-title-onward Liberal Fascism, just landed a $1 million advance to write a book whose opening sentence might be something very close to this:

One of the most important points of this column over the years -- other than my belly, my dog, fair Jessica, my need for a raise, the fact that I have the upper-body strength of an eight-year-old girl and the lung capacity of a Polish whoopee cushion -- is my aversion to cliched thinking.

Even worse, that $1 million advance isn't from Republican vanity publisher Regnery. It's from the same publishing house that gives the world The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Candide. (True, publishing is a business where, even on the best of days, the high-minded and the low-brow have to sit elbow-to-elbow at the lunch counter, but surely there's some limit to this sort of thing.)


Item 2:

Strictly speaking, this is about sentences, but not necessarily opening sentences. Slate recently marked the publication of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue (which I had, to my horror, for weeks been confusing with "Going Commando") by inviting its readers to submit sentences to its Write Like Sarah Palin Contest. The results can be found here.

Many of the finalists resort to the same formula that has overtaken the Bulwer-Lytton Contest, to its detriment, in recent years. They are over-long, studded with slightly odd but concrete references, leading up to a teeth-rattling non sequitur in the last phrase. And they don't sound much like Palin. unless every slightly-dotty run-on utterance sounds the same to you. Still there are some funny moments in which you can almost hear Palin's one-in-a-million voice. Worth a click.


Item 3:

Strictly speaking, this has nothing to do with first sentences or conservatives. (You got a problem with that?) The American Book Review has compiled their list of 100 best last lines from novels. (Fittingly, it's in pdf format--you don't make it to the last sentence of a novel without at least a little suffering.) The choices and rankings are second-guessed in the comments at Tbogg and Yglesias, among many other places.

No such list is complete if it doesn't include this:

"Yes," he said, and shivered. "Well, send her in."

I know, it's two sentences, but they bent the rules for Joyce, so they can certainly do it for Hammett. Although, as one of Tbogg's commenters suggested, ABR's list carries the whiff of literary snobbery, which likely didn't work to Hammett's advantage.


[Update: Item 4 (via Batocchio):

Moving somewhat back toward our opening theme again, here's the ABR's 100 best first lines from novels. On the whole, this list was less surprising, less delightful, and more baffling for me than their 100 last lines list, above. I suspect many these items made the list not because they were "best first lines," but rather because they were the first lines of a book someone on the nominating committee found especially memorable. Re-reading the opening line kick-started all the feelings that the book still offered up. By that criterion, my list might well begin with this:

I can see by my watch, without taking my hand from the left grip of the cycle, that it is eight-thirty in the morning.

Make of that what you will.]

The LO/KPOJ "Lost Limerick Challenge"

This morning's Oregon news limericks, as written by me, read by quizmaster TJ of Loaded Orygun, and answered by Carl, Christine, and Paul on the KPOJ 620AM's Carl + Christine show, are posted at LO.

For reasons that aren't likely to become clear again at the moment, we have not one, but two limericks for you to pit your poetic skills against this week. Fill in the blank with the word or phrase from this week's Oregon news:

They assume there won't be much objection
If subscribers make their own inspection.
As a curb on abuse
You can track bandwidth use
On your personal Comcast ____________ .


Beavers know when to turn up their noses.
Every Duck knows the team he opposes,
But the florists struck gold--
Fans on both sides were sold
Once they named it the _____________.

(The answers can be found in the Comments below, or in this week's Spanning the State at Loaded Orygun.)

Five years old and risin'

p3 turned 5 this week; an astonished nation gasps in awe.

And just for good measure:

The unforgiving minute

There's so much wrong in this article I'm not sure what's most disturbing.

But I think it might be this:

In his recurring “JMZ” (a takeoff on the tabloid site TMZ.com) segments Mr. Day and his pack of paparazzi impersonators bum-rush celebrities like Kate Gosselin. In one skit Mr. Day scurries to photograph the actor Alan Thicke and his girlfriend — only to find out that that the mystery woman is Mr. Day’s own mother. “That’s when I was like, ‘I love my job,’ ” Mr. Day said. “I grew up watching ‘Growing Pains,’ and now I’m doing a skit with Alan Thicke.”

Minute's up.

Sunday morning toons: Special "Civil War bragging rights" edition

This week we'll interrupt the newest "good war" to observe the anniversary of our entry into the last "good war."

In other news, golf is now a contact sport, and 30,000 new jobs were created Tuesday night,

Let's kick things off with Daryl Cagle's toon round-up.

p3 Picks of the Week: Mike Luckovich, Nate Beeler, Jeff Parker, Larry Wright, Bob Englehart, John Trever, John Darkow, Jimmy Margulies, Steve Sack, Adam Zyglis, Scott Stantis, Jeff Stahler, Jim Day, and Monte Wolverton,

p3 Best of Show: Scott Stantis.

p3 "Lena Hyena Badge of Excellence:" Jerry Holbert.

p3 World Toon Review: Stephane Peray (Thailand), Pavel Constantin (Romania), Oguz Gurel, (Turkey) and Jianping Fan (China).


In all the hurly-burly of this week's news, there was one dark moment you may have missed, but Ann Telnaes didn't,


Huzzah! Bipartisanship on health care reform at last! here's the good news, courtesy of Tom Tomorrow.


As is occasionally the case, I like today's Barry Bliss drawing more than the Frank Rich column it accompanies.


Raised on comic books but wondering if there's anything out there today you'd want your own kids reading? First, relax--parents have worried about this since comic books were invented, and you turned out all right, didn't you? Second, Johanna at Comics Worth Reading says things are better than you may have heard.


Presented without comment via Editor & Publisher:

A cartoon in last Friday's Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat and Chronicle has caused a controversy for depicting a police shooting, the same week that two Rochester police officers and four Washington state officers were shot.

The paper issued an apology for the "Jump Start" comic on Friday, which was part of a series of cartoons advocating the importance of bullet-proof vests. Despite the controversy, the D&C's editors will run the next comic in the series “because editors feel it is important for readers to have access to the conclusion of the story,” according to a letter posted on the paper’s Web site.

(The "Jump Start" strips in question can be seen in pdf format here. )


Portland homeboy Jack Ohman contemplates how we honor those who serve,


Why, you must be frozen almost to death! To mark the return of cold weather to these parts, here's "Hare Force," a 1944 Merrie Melodies directed by I. "Fritz" Freleng. The uncredited voice artists include Mel Blanc as Bugs and Bea Benaderet as the old lady. ("The Flintstones," 16 years later, must have seemed like old home week for Blanc and Benaderet, who were the voices of Barney and Betty Rubble.) According to Wikipedia, TBS showed an edited version of this toon, removing the line about "the hot seat," presumably on the theory that, unlike all the other violent ways to die contemplated in this 7-minute film, reference to death by electric chair was somehow over the line. Go figure.

p3 Bonus Toon: Whether you're an Oregon or Oregon State fan, Jesse Springer shows his appreciation for a great game.




Don't forget to bookmark Slate's political cartoon for the day.

Saturday morning tunes: The only truth I've ever known

The usual pedantic tee-up is unnecessary.

Drat--the season had barely started

I don't have a war with Christmas (Bill O'Reilly forfend!), but I do have one small annual skirmish:

Each year, I try to make it from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve without hearing "The Little Drummer Boy." There's no deep-seated psychobiographical reason for this, no childhood trauma connected to drummer boys, for example. I would even go so far as to aver that some of my best friends are drummers. I just find that song a bit annoying. A little too repetitious, a little lacking in variation, a little too . . . too. It's as if "MacArthur Park" or "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" were a Christmas song.

Avoiding a song that seems nearly omnipresent in public places (not to mention on radio or TV) for four or five weeks is a lot harder than, say, avoiding the #20 bus. You get a lot less warning, for one thing. Still, I find the challenge bracing when the cold-ish weather starts to roll in. Keeps me alert, my center of gravity low. One mid-December, around 1990, I startled co-workers by doing a tuck-and-roll out of the elevator just as the doors closed, six stops before my floor, when I heard the first notes of what I thought was "The Little Drummer Boy" on the piped-in music. (Turns out it was "O Come Emmanuel." But there is no greatness without sacrifice.) It's all about training, discipline, and focus.

Alas, the 2009 competition came to an early and rather lackluster end for me this evening at about 6.45pm in a Starbucks near where I live. One moment I'm waiting on a friend to come back to the table; the next moment I'm benched until November 2010.

Still, it's not my worst season on record.

Sanford's opening sentence Fail

I'm a fan of good opening sentences, which is why this won't be added to the p3 collection anytime soon:

In my experience, people who've read Ayn Rand's books either love them or hate them. I'm one of the few who fall somewhere in between.

Assuming the author means what he's saying, that should read:

In my experience, people who've read Ayn Rand's books either fall into one of two categories, or they don't.

Of course, given that the author is SC Governor (for now) Mark Sanford, a man with a proven inability to distinguish "Appalachian Trail" from "Argentina," perhaps that's an assumption we shouldn't make.

(Hat tip to Charles Pierce, who raises the perfectly valid question: Why is Newsweek helping Sanford revive--or at least prolong--his dwindling political fortunes by publishing one of his high school book reports?)

The unforgiving minute

James Fallows reminds us that, while Dick Cheney's score-settling behavior is unprecedented among former vice presidents, there is a sort of tradition among sitting VPs that Cheney successfully revived during his tenure: Shooting people.

Minute's up.

Now you know how the California Condor feels

Is Sprint your network provider? If so, then here's some news you might be interested in:

[L]aw enforcement has used Sprint’s geotracking function 8 million times in the thirteen months prior to [October 2009].

Cheer up, Sprint customers: If the condors got used to it, you will too.

Three things Andrew Sullivan got right this morning, plus an observation

The three things he got right:

1. If Dick Cheney didn't have ready access to compliant news media, he'd just be sad and pathetic. As it is, he's sad, pathetic--and dangerous:

The former vice president, the man who imported torture into the American constitutional system, failed to capture bin Laden, invaded a country under false pretenses, allowed the Afghanistan campaign to disintegrate, and added $5 trillion to the next generation's debt burden, is attacking a sitting president on a day he announces a critical military strategy in front of his troops.

It is, again, a breathtaking piece of dishonor from this bitter, angry man. To accuse your successor of "weakness" because he has actually conscientiously tried to figure out the right thing to do in a war Cheney and Bush clearly botched is a new low in American politics and the partisan politicization of war and peace.

2. In its aching desire to drive the morning news cycle, The Politico has become--if it was ever anything else--the premiere go-to site for political axe-grinding tarted up as "news:"

[O]ne wonders what the circumstances were in which Mike Allen and Jim Vandehei took a trip to interview Cheney the day before Obama's Afghanistan address. What was the news hook? Did Cheney summon them to transcribe his vile assault? Did they request a newsy interview the day before Obama's speech?

3. Accusations of treason are now flung about with such cynicism and careless disregard for consequences that the charge has been completely debased, which is a lucky thing for those who actually have committed offenses against the Constitution and our laws (emphasis added):

Accusing the president of giving aid and comfort to the enemy is such a disgusting charge, such a deeply divisive, unAmerican tactic, it would be excoriated if it came from some far right blogger. That it comes from a former vice-president, violating every conceivable protocol (as he did in office), reminds me of why Cheney and Cheneyism remain such a threat to core American and Western values.

If you truly use a position of such authority to show contempt for the sitting president, to accuse him of treason, to attack him on the day he addresses the nation in a critical address, to divide him from the troops, to use sacred issues of war and peace which a president is solemnly engaging as a political weapon or as a vain and self-serving attempt to make your own record look better, then you have no core respect for the institutions and traditions and civility that make a constitutional democracy possible.

Look also at the focus of his attack: the civil trial of Khaled Sheikh Mohammed in New York City. All Cheney can see is the opportunity for such a figure to grandstand, as if KSM's rantings will have any effect but to demystify him. What Cheney cannot see - because he has no deep appreciation of it - is the beauty of treating a monster like KSM to the stringent calm of Western justice. And what Cheney fears - for he is no fool - is that the trial will also reveal Cheney's torture regime, how it distorted intelligence, prevented bringing suspects to justice and tarred the US for ever as a country that now does what its enemies used to do: abuse, torture and mistreat prisoners in wartime.

And the observation:

Sullivan wasn't always so fastidious about the way in which allegations of treason got raised:

The middle part of the country -- the great red zone that voted for Bush -- is clearly ready for war. The decadent left in its enclaves on the coasts is not dead -- and may well mount a fifth column.

That was Sullivan seven days after the 9/11 attacks. Sarah Palin might as well have cribbed her 2008 campaign speeches from it.

Everyone who was right about Bush's War is still waiting for an apology and a retraction on that one, by the way. And non-denial denials, just to be clear, don't count.