Saturday morning tunes: I'll light the fire

Updated below.

Dedicated, on his birthday, to my old friend and colleague Steven, who knows the alternate set of lyrics I wrote for this back in high school.*

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^*Update: In response to the thousands of readers who were eager to know more about the alternate lyrics in question, let me just say that they were inspired by our non-originalist reading of the Third Amendment in U.S. Government class --

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

-- and let it go at that.