Fantasia: On my lawyer's fondness for exotic cars

He's a pretty good guy, he likes his work, and he certainly earned his cut of the settlement he got me a couple of years ago.

So I got to thinking--maybe he's onto something with the way he spends his cut. Maybe I should consider shopping where he does . . . .

[Camera goes to blurry focus, harp music signals "dream sequence."]

So the interesting thing was, when I got there to pick up my Lamborghini Testosterone, and they got set to take my picture with it--you know, for that web page--Tony said, "Bill, haven't you got a baseball cap? Our customers usually wear a baseball cap when we take their picture."

(Well, I said, I didn't have a baseball cap.)

And Tony said, "No problem, Bill! You just spent $85,000 on a used penis-mobile--we'll give you a baseball cap!" And one of Tony's guys went into the back and came out with a baseball cap and they just gave it to me!

And then Tony said, "You know, Bill, our customers usually wear a golf shirt, golf shorts, and white knee socks when we take their picture."

(Well, I said, I've just got these jeans and t-shirt.)

And Tony said, "Bill, that's not a problem! You just paid three times the median income for a family of four to buy a car you'll drive twice a year. We'll give you the shirt and shorts!" And one of Tony's guys went back into the office and came out with the clothes, and I put them on. And you know what? The narrow shoulders and wide butt were already built right into the clothes, just like Superman's muscles! And the white knee socks made my legs look even skinnier sticking out of those shorts with the padded ass!

And then Tony said, "Bill, you're looking a little tanned; most of our customers like to be nice and pale when we take their picture. It shows they don't have to stoop to manual labor."

(Well Tony, I said, I guess I do get out in the sun quite a bit.)

"Bill," he said, "that's not a problem! When a man comes in here spending money like a drunken sailor, we've got a special lotion that makes him look as fair-skinned as Emily Dickinson." And one of Tony's guys opened up a titanium briefcase and pulled out a tube of some kind of cream, and sure enough--when I put it on, darned if I didn't look like the belly of a dead flounder!

And then Tony had me put on some sunglasses and gold jewelry, stand next to my car, and squint into the sun while they took my picture, and--well, gosh darn it, you can see the results in the picture right there on the web page.

In my dreams.