Saturday, March 12, 2016

By history denied

This is – sweartogod – an idea that came to me, pretty much verbatim in a dream last night.* In my dream I submitted it to The Onion but it was turned down. Peasants.**
Inventer declares his invisible car a "total failure"

WEST LAFAYETTE  Engineering student Howie Mantera has declared the spinoff of his doctoral research, a stock Accura modified with an invisibility field generator, to be "a complete and utter failure." Mantera said his dreams of wealth on the scale of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg or SpaceX founder Elon Musk were "down the shitter."

"I figured out pretty quickly that an invisible car is no use because the other drivers don't know you're there. I got T-boned three times the first afternoon I test-drove it. I mean, it's only an Accura – it's not a DeLorean – but still. Look at it!" The would-be inventor paused, mournfully. "Well, I guess you can't."

"And then I realized that, to get anyplace, I'd have to take side streets and pull to the curb every time I met another car. So it took about five times longer to get where I was going. And I had to park in the space farthest from the door of wherever I was going."

Mantera announced that, after shutting down the invisible car project, he planned to develop a revolutionary textile fiber that would be impervious to wear and discoloration.
The text would be accompanied by a stock photo of an empty parking space.

*Yes, verbatim. Not literally, which is correct but less accurate.

**In the cold light of day, perhaps the imaginary editors of The Onion were right.

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