Quick everyone: Update your resumes!

Time Magazine has named you Person of the Year!

Did you think 2006 wasn't shaping up to be your best year? Funding disappeared on your break-through stem-cell therapy for diabetes? Watched your job get outsourced to Bangalore? Worried that you're one hospital stay away from signing your life over to your credit card company? Didn't get to the gym as often as you resolved to last January?

Well to that, Time says, pish posh! You rule!

You are, to put the matter as bluntly as possible, one of the select few "who shape our collective destiny as a species." Come on, I bet even your mom never believed in you that much.

Think what a real asset this is going to be the next time you're up for promotion. Dude, you totally aced out even Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for this award! And he's got a nuclear weapons program! When your boss puts your records side-by-side, just imagine how you're completely going to kick the ass of that guy who was "March 2006 Employee of the Month" at the Omaha office. (March 2006 Employee of the Month in Omaha! As if. You shaped our collective destiny as a species.)

Now it's true, the odds are only 26 out of 6 billion that you were also named one of the "People Who Mattered." Time gave that distinction to "the usuals"--you know, the Pope, the President, the Vice President, Rumsfeld, Kim Jong-il, that crowd. But so what? "Person of the Year" is so much cooler-sounding, and besides, would you really want to be included in that collection of geopolitical whackjobs?

Break out the Red Bull and vodka! Crank up the Talking Heads! Release the doves and the balloons! Dig out your address book and call up every girl/boyfriend who never "got" you and rub their noses in it!

Say it with me: "I am the Time Magazine Person of the Year."

And they can never take that away from you, baby!

(Note: The "PotY" distinction does not apply to the Time staffers who came up with this lame dodge. Not since the Iraq Study Group Report has a outcome been so ballyhooed before its release, only to land with such a moist thud upon arrival and so quickly become destined for irrelevance when it becomes clear that the committee so thoroughly shirked its responsibility.)