Archive: NPR's Bob Edwards gets bumped up to Senior Correspondent

March 29, 2004

Dear Morning Edition:

All America is wondering: How will Edwards' departure as Morning Edition's host affect the whole pecking order in public radio, as the remaining on-air personalities all move up one notch? Here are my predictions:

Senior News Analyst Daniel Schoor will take over Roy Blount's seat as a regular panelist on 'Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!" (Contestants will always win by choosing his answers, because they'll assume, correctly, that he never bluffs. "Picking Schoor" will become synonymous with "betting on a sure thing.")

Writer Daniel Pinkwater will leave his gig reviewing children's books with Scott Simon on Weekend Edition Saturday to become NPR's foreign correspondent from the Middle East. (Curiously, this won't change a thing. NPR will spend a fortune on audience research to figure out why, but they never will.)

Foreign correspondent Sylvia Poggioli will be the new host of "Car Talk." (Expect to hear more calls from owners of Fiats and Lamborghinis.)

Tom and Ray Magliozzi will get bumped up from "Car Talk" to 'The Splendid Table" (Their new signature closing line will be: "Thanks for listening, and don't cook like my brother!")

Senior Correspondent Susan Stamberg will move into 'A Prairie Home Companion" (A new character, Mama Stamberg, will join the cast of charming, eccentric Lutherans and Catholics in Lake Wobegon. Predictably, the annual Cranberry Relish story will become a beloved holiday tradition.)

Scorekeeper Carl Kassel and host Peter Seigel will trade jobs on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" (The news quiz show will still be fun, but fewer callers will play at home, because it will turn out that no one really wants to win Peter's voice on their answering machine.)

Meanwhile, Roy Blount--who, you remember, will be leaving "Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!"--will now provide political commentary for Morning Edition. (Conservatives listeners--and yes, NPR does have some--will occasionally find Blount's positions on the issues even more appalling than former Nixon enemies listee Schoor's, but they'll be unwilling to go after him until after the November election because, based on that magnificent drawl of his, they'll figure he probably brings the coveted "Nascar Dad" vote along with him.)

Finally, at the very top of the public radio food chain--and I think this where the whole thing comes beautifully together--commentator Andre Cordrescu will become host of "Weekend Edition: Sunday" (One word, my friends: Vampirism. More vampire stories. Perfect for Sunday mornings.)

Heads up, people: It's a whole new world out there.